Witch and Ghost Jokes

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Tim Bottman's picture

a whole load of witch and ghost jokes for Halloween.

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Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms?

They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

What do witches put on their hair?

Scare spray

How does the witch know what time it is?

She looks at her witch-watch.

What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?


What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?

She witch-hiked!

What does a witch kid want for Christmas?

A haunted dollhouse.

Why do witches wear name tags?

So, they would know which witch is which!

How do witches tell time?

With a witch watch.

What do you call two witches living together?


What does a witch ask for when she is in a hotel?

Broom service.

What did one witch say to other when she asked for a lift?

“There’s always broom for one more.”

When do witches cook their victims?

On Fry Day.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A sand-witch.

What do you call a motorbike that belongs to a witch?

A brrrooooommmm stick

Who was the most famous witch detective?

Warlock Holmes

What do they teach in witching school?


Why does a witch ride a broom?

Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?

She witch-hiked!

What story do little witches like to hear at bedtime ?

Ghoul deluxe and the three scares !

How does a witch tell the time ?

With a witch watch !

Why did the witch put her broom in the washing machine ?

She wanted a clean sweep !

What do you call two witches that share a room ?

Broom mates !

What noise does a witch’s breakfast cereal make ?

Snap, cackle and pop !

What is a witch with poison ivy called ?

An itchy witchy !

What’s a cold, evil candle called ?

The wicked wick of the north !

What is evil, ugly and black and goes round and round ?

A witch in a revolving door !

What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside ?

A witch dressed as a cucumber !

What happens if you see twin witches ?

You won’t be able to see which witch is witch !

Why did the witch give up fortune telling ?

There was no future in it !

Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches ?

Because it was an ‘appy rash !

What does a witch get if she is a poor traveller ?

Broom sick !

How did the witch almost lose her baby ?

She didn’t take it far enough into the woods !

Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge ?

She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings !

Where did the witch get her furniture ?

From the ideal gnome exhibition !

Why did the witch put her broom in the wash ?

She wanted a clean sweep !

What has six legs and flies ?

witch giving her cat a ride !

What has handles and flies ?

A witch in a dustbin !

What is evil and ugly and bounces ?

A witch on a trampoline !

What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital ?

With any luck you’ll soon be well enough to get up for a spell !

What do witches race on ?

Vroomsticks !

Why do witches scratch themselves all the time ?

Because they’re the only ones who know where a witch itches !

Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat ?

So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen !

How can you tell when a witch is really ugly ?

When a wasp stings her it closes his eyes !

Why did the witch go over the mountain ?

Because she couldn’t go under it !

How do witches tell the time ?

By looking at their witch watches !

What’s the best way of talking to a warty witch ?

By telephone !

How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one ?

By her suntan !

What is evil, ugly and goes at 125 mph ?

A witch on a high speed train !

How is the witches team doing ?

They’re having a spell in the first division !

Have you heard about the good weather witch ?

She’s forecasting sunny spells !

What did one witch say to another when they left the cinema ?

Do you want to walk home or shall we take the broom !

What is a witches favourite book?

Broom at the top !

What’s the witches favourite pop group?

Broomski Beat !

What makes more noise than an angry witch?

Two angry witches !

What’s the best way of seeing a witch?

On the television !

What did the witch write in her Christmas card?

Best vicious of the season !

What do you get if you cross a flea and a witch?

Very worried dogs !

What do little witches like to play at school?

Bat’s cradle !

What happened to the witch with an upside down nose?

Every time she sneezed her hat blew off !

What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV host?

The producer said that she had the perfect face for radio !

What kind of music do witches play on the piano?

Hag-time !

What is old and ugly and can see just as well from both ends?

A witch with a blindfold !

Why did the witch join the football club?

Because she heard they were looking for a new sweeper !

What is the best way of stopping infection from witch bites?

Don’t bite any witches !

What should you expect if you drop in on a witches home unexpectedly?

Pot luck !

What do witches sing at Christmas?

“Deck the halls with poison ivy….”

What is old, ugly and blue?

A witch holding it’s breath !

What do you call a witch that climbs up walls?

Ivy !

Why was the witch late for the party?

She’d lost her witch-watch !

What do you call a witch with one leg?

Eileen !

What is old and ugly and goes beep beep?

A witch in a traffic jam !

Why is a witch like a candle?

They are both wicked !

Why did the witch keep turning into Mickey Mouse?

She kept having Disney spells !

Why did the witch wear yellow stockings?

Because her grey ones were at the cleaners !

What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?

A witch in soggy shoes !

What usually runs in witches’ families?

Noses !

What happens to witches when it rains?

They get wet !

What is black, old & ugly and has four wheels?

A witch on a skateboard !

What do you call an old hag that lives by the sea?

A sandwitch !

What is the difference between a musician and a dead witch?

One composes and the other decomposes !

What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch?

A bird that’s ugly but doesn’t give a hoot !

Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?

Because she thought everybody loved her !

Why won’t a witch wear a flat hat?

Because there is no point in it !

What do you call a witch that stays out all night?

A fresh air freak !

What do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg?

A cold spell !

Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?

Because there are so many witches sweeping the sky !

What do you call a witch by the side of the road with her thumb out?

A witchhiker !

What is the favourite subject of young witches at school?

Spelling !

Why did the witch consult an astrologer?

She wanted to know her horror-scope !

What is the difference between a witch and the letters M A K E S?

One make spells and the other spell makes !

What do little witches do after school?

Their gnomework !

Why do witches ride on broomsticks?

Because it’s quicker than walking !

What’s a witches favourite film?

My Fear Lady !

What do witches say when they overtake each other?

Broom, broom, broom !

Why do witches get good bargains?

Because they like to haggle !

What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?

One’s a hunted stag and the other is a stunted hag !

Why did the young witch have such difficulty writing letters?

She had never learnt to spell properly !

What are baby witches called?

Halloweenies !

What do you call a witches motor bike?

A baaaarrrroooooooommmm stick !

How can you tell if a witch has a glass eye?

When it comes out in conversation !

What is the witches motto?

We came, we saw, we conjured !

What happens to a witch when she loses her temper while riding her broom?

She flies off the handle !

How do you make a witch itch?

Take away the “w” !

What do you call a nervous witch?

A twitch !

What kind of tests do they give in witch school?

Hex-aminations !

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?

A very witch person !

How do witches on broomsticks drink their tea?

Out of flying saucers !

What do witches ring for in a hotel?

B-room service !

Who’s the fastest witch?

The ones that ride on a vroom stick !

Why do witches fly on broomsticks?

Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy !

What kind of jewellry do warty witches wear on their wrists?

Charm bracelets !

Why didn’t the witch sing at the concert?

Because she had a frog in her throat !

What do you call a witch Who drives really badly?

A road hag !

What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?

Run !

What happened to the naughtly little witch at school?

She was ex-spelled !

Why did the witch buy two tickets to the zoo?

One to get in and one to get out !

What sound does a witch make when she cries?

“Brew-hoo, Brew-hoo” !

Why should men beware of beautiful witches?

They’ll sweep them off their feet !

Is it true that a witch won’t hurt you if you run away from her?

It all depends on how fast you run !

How does a witch make scrambled eggs?

She holds the pan and gets 2 friends to make the stove shake with fright !

How do you make a witch float?

Blend two scoops of ice cream, and one witch!

What does a witch enjoy cooking most?

Gnomelettes !

When can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb?

You can hear their brooms tick !

How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?

With scare spray !

What do you call a pretty and friendly witch?

failure !

Why are witches fingernails never longer than 11 inches?

Because if they were 12 inches they’d be a foot !

What do you do if a witch in a pointy hat sits in front of you at the cinema?

Miss most of the film !

Why is a witches face like a million dollars?

It’s all green and wrinkly !

What’s evil and ugly and goes up and down all day?

A witch stuck in a elevator !


A chicken sandwitch !

Who went into a witche’s den and came out alive?

The witch !

What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?

Broom mates !

What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?

To keep their hats pointed !

Why do witches only ride their brooms after dark?

That’s the time to go to sweep !

What did the witch say to the ugly toad?

“I’d put a curse on you but it looks like someone beat me to it” !

Whats the difference between a broomstick and a pumpkin?

Ever tried broomstick pie? !

What’s the best advice you can give to a witch on a broomstick?

Don’t fly off the handle !

What did the young witch say to her mother?

Can I have the keys to the broom tonight !

Why do witches wear pointy black hats?

To keep their heads warm !

Why are black cats such good singers?

They’re very mewsical !

When is it unlucky to see a black cat?

When your a mouse !

What do you get if you cross a witches cat with Father Christmas?

Santa Claws !

What do witches cats like for breakfast?

Mice krispies !

What do you get if you cross a witches cat with a canary?

A peeping tom !

What do you call it when a witches cat falls off a broomstick?

A catastrophe !

Why did the witch feed her cat with pennies?

She wanted to put some money in the kitty !

What did the black cat say to the fish?

I’ve got a bone to pick with you !

What do you call a witches cat that drinks vinegar?

A sour puss !

What do you call a witches cat with no legs?

Anything you like, she won’t be able to chase you !

What do you get if you cross a witches cat and a canary?

A cat with a full tummy !

What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and cuts grass?

A lawn miaower !

What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and goes round and round?

A black cat stuck in a clothes dryer !

What did the black cat do when its tail got cut off in an accident?

He went to a retail store !

What do witches cats strive for?

Purrfection !

What is a little witch’s favorite subject in school?


Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?

“Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares.”

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?


What kind of mistakes do spooks make?

Boo boos.

What does a ghost eat for lunch?

A BOO-logna sandwich.

Where do ghosts go on vacation?

The Eerie canal, Lake Eerie ! or Mali-Boo

What’s a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?

The roller ghoster.

Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store.

Where do ghosts mail their letters?

At the ghost office.

What’s a ghosts favorite fruit?


What kind of street does a ghost like best ?

A dead end !

What did the baby ghost eat for dinner ?

A boo-loney sandwich !

What do you call a ghost’s mother and father ?

Transparents !

How did the ghost song and dance act make a living ?

By appearing in television spooktaculars !

What are little ghosts dressed in when it rains ?

Boo-ts and ghoul-oshes !

Why are ghosts bad at telling lies ?

Because you can see right through them !

What did the ghost teacher say to her class ?

Watch the board and I’ll go through it again !

How do ghosts learn songs ?

They read the sheet music !

What is a ghost’s favourite day of the week ?

Frightday !

Where do ghosts get an education ?

High sghoul !

What did the polite ghost say to her son ?

Don’t spook until your spooken to !

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

Hoblin Goblin.

What do you call a prehistoric ghost ?

A terror-dactyl !

Who speaks at the ghosts’ press conference ?

The spooksperson !

What should you say when you meet a ghost?

Howdo you boo, sir?

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?

Boo boo’s!

Why did the ghost go to the amusement park?

He wanted to go on a rollerghoster !

Who’s the most important member of a ghost’s football team ?

The ghoulie !

When does a ghost have breakfast?

In the moaning.

What’s a ghost’s favorite breakfast?

Ghost toasties with booberries, Scream of Wheat or Dreaded wheat !

What do ghosts drink at breakfast?

Coffee with scream and sugar.

What is a ghost’s favourite dessert ?

Boo-Berry pie with I-scream !

What do ghosts dance to ?

Soul music !

Where do ghosts live ?

In a terrortory !

What color are ghosts?


When do ghosts usually appear ?

Just before someone screams !

What’s a ghost’s favorite ride?

A roller ghoster!

What do ghosts have in the seats of their cars ?

Sheet belts !

What do ghosts eat for dinner ?

Ghoulash !

What kind of ghost has the best hearing ?

The eeriest !

What does a ghost swim in?

The Dead sea!

Who did the ghost invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up!

Who was the famous ghost detective?

Sherlock Moans.

What vehicle does a kid ghost like to ride?

A boocycle.

Why did the ghost go to the doctor?

To get a Booster shot.

What do ghosts eat for breakfast

Dreaded wheat.

How did the ghost patch his sheet?

With a pumpkin patch.

What does a ghost put on his cereal in the morning?

Boonanas and Booberries.

What kind of cars do ghosts drive?


What’s a ghosts favorite Broadway play?

phantom of the opera!

What did one ghost say to another?

Do you believe in people?

What did one ghost say to another?

Do you believe in people?

What do ghosts eat for dinner?


What is a ghost favorite article of clothing?


Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?

Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

What time is it when a ghost haunts your house?

Time to move to a new house!

What’s a ghosts favorite desert?

Boo-berry pie & I scream.

What tops off a ghost’s ice cream sundae?

Whipped scream.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost ?

Put your boos and shocks on !

Why are ghosts cowards ?

Because they’ve got no guts !

What story do little ghosts like to hear at bedtime?

Ghoul delocks & the 3 scares.

What is a ghost’s favorite party game?


What do ghosts say when something is really neat?


Why did the ghost rush home from school?

To watch an after-ghoul special on TV.

What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel, poodle, & a ghost?

A cocker-poodle-boo!

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?

He is mist.

Who protects the shores where spirits live?

The Ghost Guard!

What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?

You look boo-tiful tonight.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?

So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

He didn’t have a haunting license.

What did one ghost say to the other when they fell down?

I got a booo booo.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?

A boo-tie.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?


Why do ghosts and demons get along so well?

Because demons are a ghosts best friend.

Who did the ghost go with to the Halloween party?

With No-Body!

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?


What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?


What do ghosts mail home while on vacation?


What do ghosts do when they’re in hospital ?

They talk about their apparitions !

What’s the 1st thing ghosts do when they get in a car?

They boo-kle their seatbelts